So you’re married to a cop. Congratulations! You’ve joined the ranks of an elite group of women. We are strong. We are supportive. We are resourceful. We are adaptable. And we are always prepared for a crisis (or at least everyone thinks we should be). Being married to a cop can be one of the most thrilling (scariest) experiences of your life. But it’s not without its challenges. Here are the top 10 things I wish I had known before becoming a police wife.
1. There will be times when you feel like a single parent. But know that God knew this was coming and he didn’t equip you to FAIL, but to kick butt at it. Remember, you’re not a single parent. Try to make time to connect with your spouse on “house matters,” and include them in big decision making that they might be missing by being gone on weird shifts all the time. They’ll appreciate it and it will draw you closer together.
2. Your partner will see things that no one should have to see. And he’ll do his best to make sure that he shields you from that also. You need to respect that boundary he’s putting in place, but it’s also good to let him know that he might be Superman, but you will be there should he ever need to share any of it. A burden halved and all that.
3. The job is dangerous and there is a very real possibility that your partner could be injured or killed in the line of duty. We don’t ever want to think of this eventuality, but it’s there. When my LEO got into it, we started from day one going “It’s not IF he gets hurt, it’s WHEN.” That has helped keep us solidly grounded in the reality of the job. It also helps us to not take for granted the time that we do have together and try to make the most of it.
4. You will have to learn to be comfortable with uncertainty and not knowing when your partner will be home or how their day went. Again, that goes back to just letting them know that you’re there if they need to talk. For us, I WANT to hear all about everything he does during his day/night. I have found through the passage of time that I can handle the details. Not everyone can. So if you feel that you are hearing too much, don’t be afraid to let him know. Find your comfortable spot with it. If it’s small, even that little bit will help him, I promise.
5. Police work is demanding and often stressful, which can lead to arguments and tension at home. Don’t take it personally, and NEVER EVER go to bed angry. Talk it out. Whenever we start to get snippy with each other, talking it through helps us see that a lot of times it stems from stress that he’s been unwilling to share or burden me with, and I too have things that I’ve not wanted to burden him with because I’ve deemed them “insignificant.” Just talk about it all and try not to make a decision for them on what they think is important.
6. You will need to find ways to support your partner, both emotionally and practically, during difficult days and investigations. I truly believe my place is in the home. I love to work, and be helpful, but I have always worked from home, first remotely for someone else, and then full time for myself, growing multiple businesses to help support our family. That leaves me free to make sure that there’s food ready to eat, clothes ready to wear, and that the little needs inside our home are met, to make it a little easier when times get stressful at work for him. I love being able to provide that comfort for him.
7. Shift work means that your partner may be working on weekends, holidays, and special occasions when other families are able to spend time together. Get used to it honey, there’s no getting around this one.
8. As a police wife, you will also be part of the “police family” and you will likely form strong bonds with other wives who understand what you are going through. Don’t be afraid to find your person that you can open up to. A lot of departments have resources for their officers, but not much for the wives. If you feel called to start a group for your local wives, do it! It’ll help you stay connected.
9. You may need to move more often than you would like due to transfers and promotions. We are with a smaller department where the chances of this are slim, but for some police families, this is a reality.
10. Your officer will change over time. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You might notice small things, like what you’d normally laugh over as a funny joke might not be as funny to him anymore. He might be more serious in general, or other little things. If there are huge changes or swings in personality, mood, etc, you might want to find a way to talk about them because I truly believe that our officer’s mental health takes a beating on a daily basis and it is worth it to keep checking in to make sure they’re good, before they get to the point that they’re not. We all want our husbands good.
Being a police wife comes with its share of challenges but it can also be an incredibly rewarding experience. By being patient, understanding, and above all else, strong, you can weather any storm that comes your way. Welcome to the ranks! We are happy to have you.
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